March, 2003 In This Issue: Welcoming Churches We Love Gaby Fund Nonviolence in a Time of Saber-Rattling So You Think Your Church is Too Big? Lenten Program: A Survey of Faiths Forum With Kelly Hayes-Raitt, Pilgrimage to Iraq

by James R. Adams

1. Never introduce yourself to a stranger in church. You can see for yourself the harm done by greeting visitors. They frequently come back a second time.

2. Make sure that every Sunday somebody is asking for money, or at least selling something. The image of the ever-grasping hand is one of your most effective means of discouraging a return visit from someone who came to a service looking for a spiritual community. Talk about tithing is also helpful. It doesn't matter if few people in the congregation actually do give 10% of their money to the church; just by announcing a legalistic approach to generosity you can do wonders in frightening away the curious.

3. Allow the buildings to develop a scruffy, neglected look. Make sure that your rest rooms never appear to be clean and inviting. If visitors get the impression that you care about our surroundings, they might think that you value self-esteem. They might even suppose that you would offer a safe environment for the education of their children.
4. Never let outsiders know when you hold worship services. Remove all the signs outside the church that provide information about worship, and do not replace them.

5. Permit only aging people to take a prominent leadership role. Youthful visitors with one look can see that you are a community of elderly people and can realize that your church would not be an appropriate place for them to continue their search for meaning in life.

6. Make it difficult for people to find seats. The experts tell us that as soon as seventy-five to eighty percent of the seats are filled at an average Sunday service, new people are less likely to return. At that point, people who come in groups of friends or as families have a difficult time finding seats all together, and as a consequence, feel awkward and unwelcome.

7. Prevent the formation of an Evangelism or Inclusion Committee. If you are not careful, some misguided group of zealots will be trying to find ways of making visitors feel at home.

8. Be firm with parents who bring small children to worship services. You can discourage young families from making a return visit simply by saying, "your child would no doubt be happier in the nursery."

9. Be certain everyone understands that church leaders must volunteer to work no less than twenty hours a week at church business. Zealous effort will frighten away all those people who harbor a fear that the church is determined to take over their lives.

10. Keep your church affiliation a secret from all but your immediate family. If neighbors or office mates try to engage you in conversation about religion, change the subject. If they ask about your ability to cope with the extremes of tragedy or joy and about your capacity to face ethical dilemmas, ignore them. Do not under any circumstances tell then how much your church involvement means to you or how much benefit you have derived from belonging to your church.

Copyright © 2003 St. Augustine by-the-Sea