We received the following memo from our consultant concerning our request for a guarantee in our search for the perfect Rector for St. Augustine's.

The perfect Rector preaches exactly 10 minutes. She condemns sin soundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings. She works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and also is the church janitor.

The perfect Rector makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. She is 29 years old and has 40 years worth of experience. Above all, she is attractive.

The perfect Rector has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and she spends most of her time with the senior citizens. She smiles all the time with a straight face because she has a sense of humor that keeps her seriously dedicated to her church. She makes 15 home visits a day and is always in her office to be handy when needed.

The perfect Rector has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing a meeting of any church organization. And she is always busy reaching out to the unchurched.

The Guarantee:

If having Called your new Rector and she does not measure up to this minimal job description, simply send this memo to six other churches which have recently completed their own process. Then bundle up your Rector and send her to the church at the top of the list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1,643 Rectors − one of them should be perfect.